Here are the latest funnies from my grandkids. My son and his wife live and teach in Shanghai, China. Chloe will be five in July and has some imaginative musings on life. Many of her observations involve her almost three-year-old sibling Paul, also called DiDi, which is Chinese for little brother. Dave has given me permission to share these quotes. Enjoy!
Chloe: Hey, Daddy! I’m going to tell you a story, OK? Once, there was a little girl. And she was flopping on her bed. [illustrative flopping] And then, she fell down. And then, she got a BIG BOO-BOO! And then, her mommy gave her a band-aid. And then, her mommy gave her a BIG, HUGE cake, too. And some candy. And all she did was eat cake and candy ALL THE TIME. [exaggerate scarfing motions and sound effects]
Me: Hmm, I think you’re telling the story wrong.
Me: Yeah, because her mommy didn’t give her a big huge cake. Actually, she gave her a big …
Me: Huge …
Chloe: No, no, no. Because she was a good girl, and she never did anything wrong.
Me: But everyone does wrong things sometimes.
Chloe [triumphantly]: Nope! Because her name was GIRL JESUS!
I’m just like Batman!
The kids and I are playing Batman.
Chloe: Hey …. hey, Daddy. I think that Batman is … um … actually just a daddy.
Me: A daddy?
Chloe: Yeah. He’s not a monster. He’s just a daddy because I see’d his chin. He’s just wearing a mask.
Me: Riiiiight. Nothing gets past you, huh?
Chloe: Daddy, what’s Batman’s human being name?
Me: Bruce Wayne.
Chloe: Can Batman speak Chinese?
Me: Uh, I don’t know. Probably. I think so.
Chloe: Just Chinese, right? Not English.
Me: No, he can definitely speak English.
::there’s a pause while this sinks in::
Chloe (with dawning delight): Hey, Daddy! I’m just like Batman! I can speak Chinese and English and Batman can speak Chinese and English! Batman and me are just the same!
Me: Just the same. For sure.
Wake up, Daddy!
[At 5:30 on a Saturday]
Chloe: WAKE UP, DADDY!
Chloe: Daddy! Don’t you want to wake up? Look! It’s light outside!
Chloe [scornfully]: Daddy! Are you nocturnal or something?
I have to go to the office
DiDi: Daddy! Will you lay on the bed so I can jump on you?!
Me: Sorry, buddy — I have to go to the office.
DiDi: *I* want to go to the office *too!*
Me: Well, the office is just for boring stupid people like me.
DiDi: I *AM* a boring stupid people! I’m going too!
The perils of Spiderman
The family and I are eating out, waiting for the food to come. DiDi is playing with a Spiderman coloring book and has gotten hold of a Spiderman sticker, with which he is gesturing dramatically.
Chloe: I’m thirsty!
DiDi: [deep gravelly Spiderman voice] You’re not thirsty. I’m Spiderman.
Chloe: I’m really thirsty!
DiDi: [continuing gravelly voice] Do you like me? If you like me I will give you a drink. And NOWWWWW ::accidentally slaps sticker against table:: [Still gravelly] Oh. I’m stuck.
This apple is good!
DiDi: Mmm, this apple is good!
Me: Is it? Good! We should thank God for these delicious apples.
DiDi: [hollering at the ceiling] God, this is REALLY good!