Quotes From Chloe…and Didi

Here are the latest funnies from my grandkids.  My son and his wife live and teach in Shanghai, China.  Chloe will be five in July and has some imaginative musings on life.  Many of her observations involve her almost three-year-old sibling Paul, also called DiDi, which is Chinese for little brother.  Dave has given me permission to share these quotes. Enjoy!

Once there was a little girl…???????????????????????????????

12-31-13

Chloe: Hey, Daddy! I’m going to tell you a story, OK? Once, there was a little girl. And she was flopping on her bed. [illustrative flopping] And then, she fell down. And then, she got a BIG BOO-BOO! And then, her mommy gave her a band-aid. And then, her mommy gave her a BIG, HUGE cake, too. And some candy. And all she did was eat cake and candy ALL THE TIME. [exaggerate scarfing motions and sound effects]
Me: Hmm, I think you’re telling the story wrong.
Chloe: Huh?
Me: Yeah, because her mommy didn’t give her a big huge cake. Actually, she gave her a big …
Chloe: WHAT?
Me: Huge …
Chloe: WHAT?!
Me: Spanking!
Chloe: No, no, no. Because she was a good girl, and she never did anything wrong.
Me: But everyone does wrong things sometimes.
Chloe [triumphantly]: Nope! Because her name was GIRL JESUS!

I’m just like Batman!

1-16-14

The kids and I are playing Batman.

Chloe: Hey …. hey, Daddy. I think that Batman is … um … actually just a daddy.
Me: A daddy?
Chloe: Yeah. He’s not a monster. He’s just a daddy because I see’d his chin. He’s just wearing a mask.
Me: Riiiiight. Nothing gets past you, huh?
Chloe: Daddy, what’s Batman’s human being name?
Me: Bruce Wayne.
Chloe: Can Batman speak Chinese?
Me: Uh, I don’t know. Probably. I think so.
Chloe: Just Chinese, right? Not English.
Me: No, he can definitely speak English.
::there’s a pause while this sinks in::
Chloe (with dawning delight): Hey, Daddy! I’m just like Batman! I can speak Chinese and English and Batman can speak Chinese and English! Batman and me are just the same!
Me: Just the same. For sure.

Wake up, Daddy!

1-29-14

[At 5:30 on a Saturday]
Chloe: WAKE UP, DADDY!
Me: Mrghf.
Chloe: Daddy! Don’t you want to wake up? Look! It’s light outside!
Me: Goway.
Chloe [scornfully]: Daddy! Are you nocturnal or something?

I have to go to the office

1-31-14

DiDi: Daddy! Will you lay on the bed so I can jump on you?!
Me: Sorry, buddy — I have to go to the office.
DiDi: *I* want to go to the office *too!*
Me: Well, the office is just for boring stupid people like me.
DiDi: I *AM* a boring stupid people! I’m going too!

The perils of Spiderman

DiDi2-3-14

The family and I are eating out, waiting for the food to come. DiDi is playing with a Spiderman coloring book and has gotten hold of a Spiderman sticker, with which he is gesturing dramatically.

Chloe: I’m thirsty!
DiDi: [deep gravelly Spiderman voice] You’re not thirsty. I’m Spiderman.
Chloe: I’m really thirsty!
DiDi: [continuing gravelly voice] Do you like me? If you like me I will give you a drink. And NOWWWWW ::accidentally slaps sticker against table:: [Still gravelly] Oh. I’m stuck.

This apple is good!

2-4-14

DiDi: Mmm, this apple is good!
Me: Is it? Good! We should thank God for these delicious apples.
DiDi: [hollering at the ceiling] God, this is REALLY good!

Continuing Quotes from Chloe

My son and his wife live and teach in Shanghai, China.  Chloe was four in July and has some imaginative musings on life.  Many of ???????????????????????????????her observations involve her almost three-year-old sibling Paul, also called DiDi, which is Chinese for little brother.  Dave has given me permission to share these quotes. Enjoy!

Music Appreciation 101

9-19-13

I’m playing Britten’s ‘Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra’ for the kids, and I’ve cued up a series of pictures from Google Images to accompany.  They seemed to like it, though it’s not designed for the attention span of a four-year-old, I’d say. Here are some of Chloe’s thoughts on different sections:
On the oboe: That sounds like a little girl who is lost. It’s so sad …
On the bassoon: It sounds like a war! It’s … it’s too weird! It’s just weeeeeeird! ::runs out of the room, must be coaxed back in::
On the viola: It sounds like … like … like something I can’t remember.
On the double bass: I’m scared! ::genuinely cowering under the covers::
On the trumpets: Oh! Oh, now the prince is coming to see the princess!
On the whole orchestra: Are we done yet, Daddy?

Cookie Etiquette

9-25-13

My son is eating a cookie when tragedy strikes — it crumbles in his hand, and a sizable chunk tumbles to the kitchen floor. He eyes the fallen chunk hungrily, so I say, “DiDi, we can’t eat it. It fell on the floor. Can you put it in the trash can?”

Obediently, the boy puts his cookie down *on the floor*, picks up the crumb, takes it over to the trash can, tosses it in, returns, picks up his cookie, and strolls happily off, munching away.

Sigh.

Bring me some triangles!

10-10-13

Chloe: I’m a little mouse, Daddy! ::squeaky voice:: Bring me some triangles!

Homonyms

10-14-13

Desiree is reading ‘The Prince and the Pauper’ to the kids.

Des: “… and members of the Tudor family.”
Chloe: ::giggling:: The *tooter* family?
Des: These are other Tudors.
Chloe: ::disappointed:: Oh.

The more prettier princess

10-20-13

The kids and I are playing ‘monster.’ I’m slain with a foam sword (Chloe) and a dart gun (DiDi). I sprawl convincingly on the bed and give a few death twitches.

Chloe: Daddy, now you be a princess!
Me: OK, I’ll be a prince.
Chloe: Not a PRINCE! You should be a PRINCESS!
Me: What? Why? I’m a boy!
Chloe: [resplendent in one of her satiny dress-up outfits] No, you’re more prettier than me!
Me: [cargo shorts and a grey t-shirt] I don’t really think so.  Maybe I’m handsome. How about I’ll be a prince and you can be a princess and you can kiss me and wake me up?

Chloe’s quiet for a minute, so I figure she’s resigning herself to this. I close my eyes and adopt a kiss-me-and-wake-me-up pose. Then Chloe, channeling Tarzan, shrieks, “NOOOOOOOOO! BE A PRINCEEEEEEESSSSS!!” and smashes into my ribcage with a double flying knee.

Monster pumpkins

11-3-13

Kelly: What are we going to play, DiDi?

DiDi: Let’s play school. Let’s play MONSTER school! [the boy is enamored of all things monstrous]

Kelly: OK! Do you want to be a teacher or a student?

DiDi: Um, I wanna be a punkin.

Kelly: A pumpkin?

DiDi: Yep. I will just be a punkin, awright?

Dessert

11-16-13

Chloe: Look, I ate all my broccoli up! Can I have dessert now?

Desiree: Yes, you can. And when you finish dessert, it’ll be time for bed.

Chloe: [pauses, then gives Des a calculating look] I think this is going to be a pretty long dessert.