Quotes From Chloe…and Didi

Here are the latest funnies from my grandkids.  My son and his wife live and teach in Shanghai, China.  Chloe will be five in July and has some imaginative musings on life.  Many of her observations involve her almost three-year-old sibling Paul, also called DiDi, which is Chinese for little brother.  Dave has given me permission to share these quotes. Enjoy!

Once there was a little girl…???????????????????????????????


Chloe: Hey, Daddy! I’m going to tell you a story, OK? Once, there was a little girl. And she was flopping on her bed. [illustrative flopping] And then, she fell down. And then, she got a BIG BOO-BOO! And then, her mommy gave her a band-aid. And then, her mommy gave her a BIG, HUGE cake, too. And some candy. And all she did was eat cake and candy ALL THE TIME. [exaggerate scarfing motions and sound effects]
Me: Hmm, I think you’re telling the story wrong.
Chloe: Huh?
Me: Yeah, because her mommy didn’t give her a big huge cake. Actually, she gave her a big …
Chloe: WHAT?
Me: Huge …
Chloe: WHAT?!
Me: Spanking!
Chloe: No, no, no. Because she was a good girl, and she never did anything wrong.
Me: But everyone does wrong things sometimes.
Chloe [triumphantly]: Nope! Because her name was GIRL JESUS!

I’m just like Batman!


The kids and I are playing Batman.

Chloe: Hey …. hey, Daddy. I think that Batman is … um … actually just a daddy.
Me: A daddy?
Chloe: Yeah. He’s not a monster. He’s just a daddy because I see’d his chin. He’s just wearing a mask.
Me: Riiiiight. Nothing gets past you, huh?
Chloe: Daddy, what’s Batman’s human being name?
Me: Bruce Wayne.
Chloe: Can Batman speak Chinese?
Me: Uh, I don’t know. Probably. I think so.
Chloe: Just Chinese, right? Not English.
Me: No, he can definitely speak English.
::there’s a pause while this sinks in::
Chloe (with dawning delight): Hey, Daddy! I’m just like Batman! I can speak Chinese and English and Batman can speak Chinese and English! Batman and me are just the same!
Me: Just the same. For sure.

Wake up, Daddy!


[At 5:30 on a Saturday]
Me: Mrghf.
Chloe: Daddy! Don’t you want to wake up? Look! It’s light outside!
Me: Goway.
Chloe [scornfully]: Daddy! Are you nocturnal or something?

I have to go to the office


DiDi: Daddy! Will you lay on the bed so I can jump on you?!
Me: Sorry, buddy — I have to go to the office.
DiDi: *I* want to go to the office *too!*
Me: Well, the office is just for boring stupid people like me.
DiDi: I *AM* a boring stupid people! I’m going too!

The perils of Spiderman


The family and I are eating out, waiting for the food to come. DiDi is playing with a Spiderman coloring book and has gotten hold of a Spiderman sticker, with which he is gesturing dramatically.

Chloe: I’m thirsty!
DiDi: [deep gravelly Spiderman voice] You’re not thirsty. I’m Spiderman.
Chloe: I’m really thirsty!
DiDi: [continuing gravelly voice] Do you like me? If you like me I will give you a drink. And NOWWWWW ::accidentally slaps sticker against table:: [Still gravelly] Oh. I’m stuck.

This apple is good!


DiDi: Mmm, this apple is good!
Me: Is it? Good! We should thank God for these delicious apples.
DiDi: [hollering at the ceiling] God, this is REALLY good!

Further Quotes from Chloe and Discourse with DiDi

I have two amazing grandkids, Chloe, age 4 and Didi (Chinese for little brother,) age 2.  They live with their parents in Shanghai 000 zoo 3 - Copywhere my son and his wife teach.  My son has captured some memorable conversations with his kids and has allowed me to share them here with you.

We’re in North America now


Dave, Desiree and the kids arrived on North American soil for their summer break.

Des buckles the kids into their car seats (new and strange items to them), gets into the front, starts the engine, and pulls out to drive them over to their Aunties’ house.

Chloe: Mommy! Mommy, you can *DRIVE*?!!??
This is what happens when you live in China.

How rainy is it?


I’m carrying DiDi in from the car in the pouring rain.

DiDi: It’s so raining. It’s so rainy-raining.
Me: How rainy is it?
DiDi: Um … forty-nine. It’s so forty-nine raining.

Of furritos and other mammals


Chloe and I are playing her favorite game: she’s the mom and I’m the kid. She’s such a little power tripper.

Me: Mom, will you read me this book? [handing her “The Encyclopedia of Mammals: A Complete Visual Guide”]

Her: OK, son. [she opens it to the middle of ‘Mustelidae’; we are confronted with dozens of pictures of weasels, stoats, ferrets, and ermines]. Ahem. [with great confidence, jabbing her finger at various carnivores] This is all about squirrels. This is a big squirrel. And this is a cat. And this is a tailcat. And this [pointing at a charging wolverine] is a triangle. A furry snowy triangle. This one is [enunciating dramatically] a chumbaloofazingo. And this one [with a heavy Mexican accent] is a furrito.

Me: [choking back laughter]

Chloe: OK, enough of that. [she flips ahead, landing on a page with a photo of a hippopotamus feeding at the bottom of a river]. Ah. This is a moose. A kind of moose. We call it a walk-under-the-water moose.

She’ll probably be a zoologist, folks. Who else would be familiar with the walk-under-the-water moose and the elusive furrito?

Milk plus a mushy thing


We’ve just returned from the state fair. Chloe is having a yogurt snack, and the rest of us are discussing property rights laws. Suddenly, when Desiree is in mid-sentence, Chloe bursts out shouting, “Hey! Hey!” We all stop and look.

“Hey, you guys,” Chloe says. “Did you know that cows make milk? And the cow’s owner takes the milk and … um … adds a … like a mushy thing, and that makes YOGURT!”

We all chuckle. Chloe grins. Desiree says, “A little mushy thing, huh? Where did you learn that, little girl?”

Chloe looks uncertain. “Um … I learned it from … a … a cow told me.”

“A cow? Really?”

“Yes. A cow.”

What has eight legs and…


Desiree is reading Chloe a children’s book of riddles.

Des: What has eight legs and —
Chloe: A HORSE! [note: there is a picture of some horses on the page]
Des: No, horses don’t have eight legs. How many legs do horses have, baby?
Chloe: Um, one … two … uh … uh … SO MANY LEGS!
Des: Look, they have four. One, two, three, four. TWO horses have eight.
Chloe: Oh.
Des: So what has eight legs and long hair and runs very fast?
Chloe: A HORSE!

Black hair


Chloe’s taking a shower. A common topic for her during these times is why her hair is darker when it’s wet — something she doesn’t get but fascinates her. Yesterday …

Chloe: Why is my hair getting blacker, Mommy?
Des: Because it’s wet, baby.
Chloe: I want to look at my hair getting black.
[holds her hair out in front of her eyes for a moment]
Chloe: [sudden gasp of dawning realization] Mommy! Mommy! *I* know why my hair is getting blacker! It’s because I’m getting better at learning Chinese! *That’s* why my hair is blacker now!

Now we work on “correlation does not imply causation.”

More Quotes from Chloe plus Discourse with DiDi

Chloe, age 4, and Paul (also called DiDi, Chinese for little brother), age 2, are our grandchildren.  They live in Shanghai where their parents teach.  Our son and his wife have Cora 3captured some delightful comments from the kids and are allowing me to share them here.   Enjoy!

The cold, cold, cold wind


I’m holding Chloe on my lap and listening to some rather reflective music involving a choir. After a few minutes of quiet observation, Chloe pops her thumb out of her mouth and says “Daddy, those people are saying ‘ooh ooh ooooh.’ They sound very sad. They sound so, so sad. They sound like they have no father to be with them. They have no mommy and no aunts or uncles. They have no cups, no yogurt, no food, no tissues, no beds, no comfy cozy room, and no big door to close … they just have to stay outside where the cold, cold, cold wind is blowing on them all the time.”
… well, I didn’t think it was THAT sad!

Yummy and wiggly


Chloe’s prayer over breakfast (which consisted of yogurt, carrots, and jello):

“Dear God, thank you for that jello is so wiggly and it’s very yummy, and thank you … um … for the world. It’s nice. And thank you for this food amen.”

God says you have to work and stuff


Chloe’s just awoken from a little snooze and we’re chatting when I yawn mightily.
Me: Boy, I’m tired … maybe I should have taken a nap too, huh?
Chloe: [waving her blanket at me emphatically] But God says you have do work and stuff, so you can buy me food!

… … …

I think that’s the first time she beat me with a theological argument. Probably won’t be the last.

What to do with yogurt       20130710_090059


Today’s Sentence I Can’t Believe I’m Saying:

“DiDi, it is not OK to pour yogurt on people when they’re in bed. That’s naughty.”

What is a wrap?


I’m cooking breakfast for the kids.

Me: Chloe, do you want your eggs in a wrap?
Chloe: Yes! Yes, I want a wrap!
DiDi: Wanna wap too.
Chloe: Um, Daddy, what is a wrap?
Me: Well, a rap is when you drop some fresh rhymes. You know, on the mike.
Chloe: … try again, Daddy. What is a wrap?

Nothing gets past her

Yes hair


DiDi has fastened a pink bear barrette into his flowing blonde locks and is admiring his reflection in the mirror. He comes over, climbs into my lap, unsnaps the barrette, and holds it up to my head.

DiDi: You wear it, Daddy!

He then tries unsuccessfully several times to get it to clip onto my bald pate. Finally he shakes his head and withdraws it.

DiDi: Daddy, you have no hair. [Then, clipping it back into his own] You have no hair, and I have YES hair!

I love you more than…..


Chloe: Mommy, I love you more than sand.
Des: Well, I love you more than rocks.
Me: What?
Des: I have no idea. I just think it’s cute. Chloe, I love you more than chocolate.
Chloe: Um, I love you more than … spreading chocolate [Nutella]. I love you more than … uh … uh … pink chocolate!
Des: You think about chocolate a lot, huh?
Me: Well, chocolate’s the best thing there is, according to Chloe. She already went straight to the top in her declarations of love to you.
Chloe: Straight to the top … to get some chocolate!

Son, eat your herbs!


I’m playing outside with the kids.

Chloe: Phew! I’m so sweaty! My hair is all wet. Also, Daddy, I have a snail in my hair. Can you help me get it out?

A few minutes after we sent the snail on his way, she told me that I was the kid and she was the mom. I agreed to go along with it. She immediately yanked up a small sapling and handed it to me.

Chloe: These are herbs. Eat them, son.
Me: This is a pretty big herb.
Chloe: You can just shovel it in your mouth.
Me: [suppressing laughter] Yes, I suppose I could.
Chloe: Listen to me, son. If you don’t shovel that herb in your mouth when I say ‘two,’ I will spank your little bottom. One. TWO! [I am physically assaulted]

Do we ‘count’ before punishments? No. Do we instruct the children to shovel herbs into their mouths? No. Who is raising these kids while I’m sleeping?!